2014 Wrap up

As the new year commences and a new one begins I want to remember things that have happened this year. I have spent this year fighting my depression some days depression won but I think overall I won over my depression, I am still here I am alive and have a great life. This was the first year that we have not had car troubles break our bank. Ryan got signed on as a full time salary employee for Disney Interactive in November 2013, and this is the first full year that he has had a salary job. This is the most financially stable we have been in our lives together. With that financial stability this is the first time in my adult life that I have gotten my own primary doctor. For the first 4 months of the year I was diligent with my diet and exercise and got to the point of being able to run a 5k. I began a low carb diet and worked very hard on my health. In may we went to California and met some great people that let us couch surf with them  ( Cory Shields and Carrie Shields ) and gained a lasting friendship. In June  Ryan had a great birthday we went to lunch and it so happened that they had free slushies at work that day. Ryan and I ran/walked our first dirty dash and loved it so much we did the 10k instead of the 5k. We got certified in scuba diving and at the end of June we went to took a road trip from Utah to Florida, Florida to Missouri, Missouri to Colorado, and Colorado back to Utah. We spend our time in Florida with Ryan's family. We bought our scuba gear there and spent a good majority of the time snorkeling. We caught a crab and saw little blue beautiful fish and fish that nibbled on our fingers. In Missouri we caught up with friends from our past, remembered our lives and the place that we fell in love in but glad we moved on. We also moved a friend from Missouri so he could start a better life. In Colorado we couch surfed again with a few different people and then made the last leg of our journey. 60 hours later our longest road trip to date was over. With July came the 4 year anniversary of the day we first met, known to the rest of you as the 4th of July. We went to sugar house park and watched the fireworks and enjoyed our night. On the 11th we celebrated our 4 year anniversary Ryan took me dancing and we saw a movie and watched a beautiful sunset. In August I got a psychiatrist and for the first time got on medication that actually works for me. Soon after that I found an awesome therapist and started working on my health in other important ways. In September with the help of some very dear to my heart volunteers (that I hadn't met before this) I proposed to my love in full medieval wear Ryan in a chain-mail hood and all. His two best friends Jeremy and Keri came all the way from the other side of the country to be a part of this hugely important time of our lives. We were surrounded by loved ones and Ryan was on a quest to find his captured princess (me). One of the best weekends of my life to date. We went to park city and showed Jeremy and Keri the joys of the alpine slide and the alpine coaster. We drank local beer and ate really good food. In October we celebrated my birthday in lake Powell it was a great weekend in the middle of nowhere with great things to do. We went 4 wheel riding and kayaking but mostly a nice room and awesome staff and time with my love. November came thanksgiving and one of the best ones to date we spent it with friends and slept over for 3 days and ate a lot of delicious food. December has been hard with the cold setting in but no snow. We had a great Christmas and are excited for the New Year. Thank you all who have been a part of my year it was much better than the last which is what I truly hoped for. This upcoming year I hope to grow and change and learn more of who I am. I am glad to have my Ryan and my life those of you who I choose to call family know who you are and most of you are not related to me and I am eternally grateful for what you have brought to my life and continue to bring. Thank you for helping me through my struggles and being proud of me through my successes however small they may be. If I have not expressed my love for you then I choose to do it now and say how much I love you for believing in me, being who you are flaws and all, and being a part of my year. I love you all and thank you.

Shallow Narcissist finds Perfect Woman

Four years, 4 months and some days ago I responded to this Craigslist add and it changed my life forever.

"Shallow Narcissist seeking Perfect Woman - 23 (St. Louis)
If you are reading this you either A: have a personality defect B: are merely "curious" as to what it means to be a narcissist or C: are keen into sarcasm. A and B need not respond, and for your sake, go find some "normal" guy that sounds amazing, (fyi, he's lying) is tall, handsome, and actually fits the title of this post. For those C girls, I may have somewhat intrigued you.
In all honesty, I don't go for the "normal" girl, some bleach blonde reality TV show watching, Pop/rap music listening, designer clothes wearing, idiot who NEEDS someone to complete them. My ideal girlfriend would be a self-confident, ORIGINAL (a lot of people claim to be "real" or "the most original person you'll ever see" which leads to drastic disappointment) intelligent person who cares little for how other sheeple perceive them.
For example, if you do things in public that scares of confuses people on a regular basis, I already like you. If people call you "weird" for lack of a better word or simply because they didn't get the reference you just used, we need to hang out. If you like Invader Zim and are sickened by the way Hot Topic exploits clueless tweens and their fascination with Gir, even when they've never seen a single episode of the show, we need to discuss things. If you rant to your friends, (online or otherwise) about how much you wish zombies were real, I love you. This is an extremely small demographic, I realize. The chance that anyone that fits this description exists and moreover reads this post is nominal. However, my optimism amongst all this negativity breeds hope. I look forward to your response. Pictures are welcome, but not necessary."

Today Ryan posted this on craigslist:

Shallow Narcissist found Perfect Woman:

If you are reading this you either A: have a personality defect B: are merely "curious" as to what it means to be a narcissist C: are keen into sarcasm or D: You are the one I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with. A B and C need not respond, and for your sake, stop looking on Craigslist for the love of your life. I'm hear to say I've already found the one girl that uses Craigslist that's worth a damn, and she's taken. If you're D, this one's for you.
In all honesty, I don't go for the "normal" girl, someone who keeps up with the Kardashians or needs to get another pair of Ugg Boots to match the color of her Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte. Some twittering, faux-nerd social justice warrior who think all men are pigs because they're too myopic to realize those are the only ones they attract.
My ideal girlfriend is a self-confident, ORIGINAL (a lot of people claim to be "real" or "the most original person you'll ever see" which is the hallmark of the opposite) intelligent person who cares little for how the headphone wearing hipsters perceive her.
For example, if you playfully hit your boyfriend in the arm in a Wall-Mart and he crashes to the ground screaming assault, and this makes you freak out and run away, I already like you. If you take a sleeping bag to a park so we can play "human burrito," we need to hang out and hug some ducks. If you like watching Invader Zim in a tent in the living room, we need to discuss things. If you rant to your friends, (online or otherwise) about how much you wish zombies weren't just a manifestation of the blase attitude toward the world and the intrinsic desire to have the world crash so we can start over, I'd sympathize with you. If you like to smash pumpkins into a crash test dummy I think we need to share a bad touch. If you had the bravery to drive halfway across the country in a packed Geo Metro to turn a crack house into a home, I'd share it with you. If you had to kick a drunk stranger named AJ off our couch at 3:00 in the morning, I'd let you kiss him. If you've got the tenacity to stick it out through imprisonment, depression, unemployment, unappreciative house-guests, success, fear, lack of sex, too much sex, overreacting about not enough sex, and cold showers, I love you. This is an extremely small demographic, I realize, considering I'm actually only talking to one person. The chance that anyone that fit this description and read this post is nominal yet somehow, miraculously it happened, and I've cherished every single moment from the day I first met you 4 years ago. I look forward to your response. Pictures are welcome, but not necessary.

The Happiness

There once was a girl born to parents that tried, but as these parents tried they lost their way to happiness and all that was held within. They believed that the happiness could have been found within each other but no one told them to love themselves. Slowly but surely they drifted apart from each other realizing that they never knew each other deep down anyway. This girl was born with imagination and a love of life that she didn’t even try for but as her parents had along the way she lost the happiness. With time she became too old for the simple imaginary friends and stuffed animals that had once kept her company. She began to believe that the happiness was a myth and a fallacy and she began to forget that it ever existed. She found men who were too careless with her heart and that forgot about the happiness as well. She went on she knew that there had to be more that the happiness had to exist that she were to burst if it didn’t. So she tried, like her parents and their parents before, she looked in all the places, under all the things. She began to find the happiness she found a man that cherished her heart and wondered himself if the happiness could be found. As it was almost in her reach when the roof caved in, her world fell apart and in a whirlwind of loss and tragedy that she had not before experienced. Her heart broke and the damn of feeling and emotion flooded into her heart instead. As it broke something interesting happened; she realized life was worth fighting for and happiness was worth doing anything for worth all the happiness in the world. She worked and she fought and she truly was, she found herself and she kept running she didn’t give up, she tripped, she fell, and she fought everything she had ever been told about not deserving the happiness and she kept running. She felt the pain and she felt the joy and found the happiness. It existed and it was; it was learning how to ride a bike without her hands, and how to run, and how to be free. I am that girl I am the one who ran through blood sweat and tears to get here, do they know how hard I have worked for the happiness? Do they know it exists? Will they know about the happiness? They have to know.

Love is a Choice

Is it possible that I have not understood love? Yes. I feel so very powerful when I felt I had no power before. I am freed by my choices not held back in the fear of making the wrong one. I have been conditioned. Conditioned to the wrong idea of love. I am very capable of love, of giving and receiving love, of thinking love, of feeling love, of being... love. My understanding of love has been one of fear. I have been taught by a society of lost lovers such as myself that love is only something you get when you achieve the right mark... maybe when you are pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough, brave enough... maybe if you stopped acting silly or stupid or quiet or loud or wore makeup or were in shape or... maybe you could never be all of those things... and then I got lost along with all those well intentioned people struggling with the human existence themselves... and I continued to not understand why I always questioned love. Question... do I know who I am? And if I did would I love that girl? Question... do I love him? What if I don't? What's wrong with me? I have always felt it was out of my control and that I was missing some magic thing and as long as I kept searching for that I was never going to find it. I was looking for some fairy tail romance, some "mr right", some something that would make me better. I have never had answers because how can I answer something I do not understand? But if love were a choice, something I chose to have in my life for myself and others I could give and receive it freely, I could look at myself with understanding because I am me and I could give myself the gift of love as if it were a tangible present given by an old friend. It would be wrapped around me like a blanket as I received it. And then I could choose to love another and he could choose to love me. We could look at each other honestly knowing the flaws of the other but accepting, receiving, and giving love because we chose it.  And if he were to choose to accept my love my gratitude and my kindness and I were to accept his, we could be partners hand in hand giving and receiving accepting and loving. I do not have to be perfect nor does he but its an agreement that when he annoys me and I am not myself, when I get upset over something small and when he doesn't understand me we will choose to accept each other as we are in all of the stages of who we are and that will always be enough. He does not need to spend the rest of my life with me for this to work nor do I need to fear his departure. We choose to do everything in our power to make this love work to grow this love to nurture this love and if it ends we will both know we did everything and its just life. We will know that we chose love.

I am a climber

Today we strive for something unattainable by most and undesirable by many yet we push and grow through these experiences of triumph and desperation. Organizing gear, looking up at the task at hand, enjoying each others company and the ground hoping to see it again but not fully realizing the magnitude. Clasping hands with God, move by move, singing songs of redemption and finding the core of our strength deep within to press forward. Find a hand, find a foot, move, stop sitting, push, tears. I'm scared. The tower, grace and guidance. Friendship understanding and trust... trust... "you got me?"..."TAKE"... he's got you... stand up, move a foot, a hand, please hold. Mentally overcoming yourself, your worst fears and everything you can't face. Time stops and thoughts rush through your head; a roaring river that desperately needs to be tamed, you can't think like that now, just you and the rock. Shallow breaths of fear, anxiety and adrenaline catching your throat. As your chest moves in and out you fear your body getting too far away from the rock and panic finds comfort deep within you. The rock; your best friend and worst enemy. The tower... a majestic beauty beheld through the scope of climbers eyes. What if my gear fails? What if my rope fails?... What if I fail? "Tell me your not going to let anything happen to me." Songs cascade through my head like the music of an epic adventure: "I... I feel so alive... so alive... for the very first time... for the very first time." I've made it and my heart exclaims and I burst with tears running down my face, shaking body I couldn't help but cry, I cried for my accomplishment, I cried because I had made it, I cried because I was worth it, strong, powerful, and me, I cried and let go my fear. The tips of the mountains, the view of indescribable beauty within my grasp. Sitting with my best friend waving to a loved one (our biggest fan) down below and becoming another piece of some tourists scrapbooks but they do not have my memory and the inner peace i feel over accomplishing something so surprising to me. Day light falls and moonlight settles in. Efficiency in repelling; I'm grateful he knows what to do. Moonlight traces round my body, silhouette reflected on stone. "Buffalo soldier, dreadlock rasta...woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy, woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy." Repel, set anchor, repel, set anchor repel... ground. Relief, carrying packs, photographs of nostalgia. Freeing tape from our hands soaking in the dinner of the stiff and sore. Today I am a climber, this is what climbing is to me, I have been climbing a little under a year and am still considered new to this world, I started for reasons arbitrary to the feeling I am experiencing now but today has made me a climber.